The Glacier Theory of Conflict Resolution
As a vicious, brutal, knuckle-dragging war-monger, I have been accused of not waiting for all peaceful means of conflict resolution
to be played out before using violence. In an attempt to reform my wicked ways, I suggest the following conflict resolution tools be engaged. At the first indication of conflict we should await the return of glaciers from the poles to scour the earth and resolve the dispute peacefully. With glaciers occupying the field of battle, there will be no strategic objectives to dispute. All indigenous, refugee, and migrant populations will be displaced or ground to paste in a non-violent conflict resolution process. Similarly, weapons stockpiles will be eradicated or futilely expended on the advancing ice face. During the intervening years as the glaciers recede, mastodon peacekeepers will roam the marshy conflict regions ensuring that fighting does not resume.
What is important here is that we use every conflict resolution method before devolving into violent behavior. We should not allow unseemly haste to compel us to use military force. We must only have the moral courage to wait out the millennia, ignoring all provocations and the cries of supposedly injured peoples. Ours will be the superior form of behavior, regardless of how long it takes for the next ice age to arrive. Given the current media interest in climate change, it must be just around the corner.
We must ignore places like Iraqi Kurdistan where violent people aided by the US war machine were able to carve out a territory of their own from Saddam’s political brutality and make it work. They are so backwards as to have armed persons stationed throughout their region who show every intention of using violence to resolve conflict before the glaciers return. The prosperity the Kurdish Regions of Iraq are experiencing due to this hostility backed security is strictly an illusion because it denies the pacific effect of glaciers. The happiness of the local people, as demonstrated by the national obsession with marriage and family creation, is further glacier denying behavior that must studiously ignored. Although there are many problems still facing the Kurdish Regional Government, only a small number of the ministers in charge remain committed to the glacier problem solving method. We must do everything we can to reach out and support those ministers in their quest to do nothing before the glaciers return; for they are the only enduring moral guidance we can rely on. The recent merger of KDP and PUK governments has severely reduced these ministers with the vision to embrace immobility as an action plan, and those remaining deserve our full attention.
Glacier Theory of Conflict Resolution is morally sound, politically correct, intellectually defensible, and an idea whose time will someday surely come. It only requires patience, moral courage, and a substantial research grant for its originator (me) to be properly implemented. My recent travels to Iraqi Kurdistan have helped me visualize the effectiveness of this method relative to its more brutish alternatives. We must be ready to abandon happiness, family growth, prosperity, and security in our quest to avoid violent conflict resolution. We must wait for the glaciers secure in the knowledge that someday all our problems will be irrelevant, rather than take violent action to solve problems in our lifetimes. Viva la Glaciacion.